During a heartfelt conversation with my son Zaddy, I had a chance to reflect on my journey of raising kids. I believe many parents out there can relate to what I’m about to share.
The Firstborn – My "Trial Run"
To be completely honest, Dalvin (my oldest son) was my “test run” child. That might sound harsh, but it’s the truth. The firstborn always carries the most pressure and expectations. We—first-time parents—had no idea what we were doing, so we often ended up being too strict.
Dalvin had to learn responsibility early and be the example for his siblings. Meanwhile, with Walter (my second son), I became much more lenient. I think this is something most families experience—parents learn and evolve with each child and become softer over time.
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Shifting My Views on Discipline
I used to believe that physical discipline was necessary. But now, I no longer believe in using a belt or any object for that matter. If I have to discipline, I might use my hand—but even that is rare.
From experience, I’ve realized that taking away the phone is the most effective strategy. Especially with today’s generation, where technology is such an essential part of life. Dalvin once told me that having his phone taken felt like being cut off from the world.
My Version of "Grounding"
In my household, "grounding" means serious business. When my kids did something majorly wrong, they’d be confined to their rooms—no TV, no gadgets, nothing. They were only allowed out to eat.
Dalvin used to joke that it felt like being in jail. But I truly believe it helped them understand the consequences of their actions. For kids with short attention spans, being forced to sit alone in silence was a lesson they wouldn’t soon forget.
Concerns About Friendships
I’m part of that generation of Black parents who didn’t allow just any kids over to the house. Not because I was overly strict, but because I didn’t fully trust other people’s children. Only friends from church were allowed to sleep over—because I knew those kids had good values.
Ironically though, my backyard still became the hangout spot for tons of my kids’ friends. At one point, our neighbors complained it looked like half the school was in my yard when my husband and I were at work!
Lessons From My Mistakes
Looking back, I realize there’s no perfect formula for raising kids. Each child is unique, and it’s crucial that we stay flexible in our approach.
With Dalvin, I was too harsh. With Walter, I learned how to balance love and discipline. And if there’s one thing I want to stress to other parents, it’s this: don’t be afraid to change your perspective when you discover a better way.
My Advice to Fellow Parents
Here are a few takeaways from my parenting journey:
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Always remember that your firstborn often carries the heaviest burden—try to balance your expectations.
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Taking away phones or tablets is way more effective than physical discipline—especially in this digital age.
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Don’t be afraid to adjust your methods—what works for one child might not work for the next.
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Set clear boundaries when it comes to your kids’ friends—knowing who they’re with and where they are is key.
At the end of the day, parenting is a journey of constant growth and learning. We’re going to make mistakes, but what matters is that we keep striving to be better versions of ourselves—for our children.
